Controlling or Fixed
Recently, I’ve been pondering the word Control.
It’s such a heavy word.
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But when I sit with it, I notice it isn’t as straightforward as it sounds. There are layers,
nuances & there are ways it shows up that aren’t always about domination or force.
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Human Design shifted something big for me here. It helped me see that what we often
label as “controlling” might not actually be about control at all. Sometimes, it’s simply
about being fixed.
When we have certain elements defined in our chart, those areas are consistent.
We experience them in the same way every single day. They’re reliable, steady,
dependable. But to someone with that centre open, or undefined, those fixed ways can
feel rigid, immovable & even controlling.
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And I have seen this in my marriage.
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Take DIY, for example. Or when we pack the car for a trip. For years, my husband & I
butted heads over both. I approach things methodically, neat & organised (the right way,
obviously!). He, on the other hand, sees the end goal, charging towards it in the quickest
way possible. Which has, on more than one occasion, left us with wasted space in the
boot, overtightened screws & me being whacked as he swings things around.
And don’t even get me started on fairy lights!
These moments used to spiral into tension, but over time we reached an unspoken agreement: I let him do it his way. Life is smoother when I don’t fight him - apart from I now deal with the fairy lights on my own. I don’t want to keep buying a new set when he uses force rather than patience!
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Here’s the thing: as a Projector, I am deliberate. I like smooth efficiency. I love a puzzle & I approach it with a “If we do it like this, then this will be the result.” I can see what needs to be done & how to do it to make things easier in the long run. But when I voice these observations, they can land as controlling. Interfering. Fussy.
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My husband is a Manifesting Generator, wired to move quickly from A to B. It doesn’t cross his mind that by just tugging on the fairy lights & chucking them in a bag results in extra time or money spent later. He just wants to get moving-to get the job done. Add to that his defined G Centre, defined Ajna & 4/6 profile, & you’ve got someone with a strong internal compass, a clear sense of direction & fixed ways of seeing the world. His energy can feel certain. Immovable.
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Now mix that with my undefined G Centre & undefined Sacral. It's a combination that can leave me wobbly in his certainty. I feel slow & finicky. And with my own defined Ajna, we both have strong fixed ways of thinking. Cue the clashes.
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For a long time, I took it personally. His certainty felt like righteousness. His way felt like “the only way.” But Human Design helped me see it differently. It’s not about me & no one is wrong. We are different. His design isn’t about controlling others - in fact, his life theme is about giving people the freedom to be themselves. You couldn’t get any further from control!
And it shows in his parenting too. He’s far more “hands-off” than I would be by letting things unfold & not micro-managing. The opposite of the control I once projected onto him.
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So, when we can see where we & the people in our lives have definition & where we don’t, everything softens & we can see “fixed” for what it is, rather than mistaking it for control.
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Understanding Christian’s design has reframed an area of tension between us. It’s given me space to step back from taking things so personally & it’s given him the gift of being seen for who he really is.
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And most importantly, it’s made packing the car & DIY projects far less stressful.
Oh, & I am in my element when I’m alone with my fairy lights, I've become an expert at ducking when he's on a mission, & I now do the final tightening of the screw!
